It took me a lot to give up on you. It took a lot of time and even more energy and patience. At first, I thought I would never make it. I was sure that I would stay stuck with you forever. The biggest problem was that you were present in my head, even when you weren’t physically by my side. I was completely consumed by our past relationship, by everything we went through and by you. And I thought I could never get over you. I thought that I could never move on with my life.
Then I realized that I didn’t allow myself to move on for good. Yes, I loved you, but I was even more consumed by guilt. You made me think I was the only one guilty for everything that went on between us and I blamed myself for our break-up. I blamed myself for everything bad you did to me, thinking I probably had it coming. And I blamed myself for the person you were, because I was convinced I made you that way.
But most of all, I blamed myself for even thinking of moving on. I was sure I could have done more to save you from yourself, that I could have done more for our relationship to work and that I could have done more for you.
Deep down, I knew I was more than ready to move on. But I was scared. I was scared that this would mean I was leaving you behind, that I was leaving you alone to deal with your own issues, to fight your battles alone. I was afraid you would spend the rest of my life hating me for moving on and that was something I couldn’t take.
But here I am asking you not to hate me for this. I am asking you to understand me and everything I’ve been through.
I am asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Imagine yourself not being happy with someone. Imagine yourself spending your days in constant misery, waiting for something to change. The reality is that you know nothing will ever change and that you are waiting for something that will never come. But you still don’t give up. You still try to make things better, to improve your relationship, to make something out of your life, even though you know it is pointless.
That was exactly how I felt with you. What would you do in my place? You would walk away from me, without ever looking back. You would have moved on ages ago.
And that is exactly what I had to do.
So please, don’t hate me for leaving.
I don’t blame you for anything. I forgive you for everything you did to me, because I know you didn’t know any better. I forgive you for making me unhappy, I forgive you for not treating me right.
Don’t hate me for realizing my worth. Because I am worthy and I am more than enough, despite everything you’ve tried to convince me of. I am awesome and my value is great and that is something you could never see.
Don’t hate me for realizing how strong and brave I am. Because I thought I could never get the strength and the courage to walk away from you. But here I am, doing just that. And it helped me realize how powerful I really am. It helped me realize there is nothing I can’t do, if I set my mind to it.
Don’t hate me because I am done settling for less. Because I have the right to say that I want more. Your half-love was never enough for me and I am finally beginning to understand that. And I am finally brave enough to admit that to myself and to say it out loud.
Don’t hate me for finally loving myself more than I loved you. For a long time, I always chose you over me. I thought that was the biggest proof of my love, commitment and devotion. And I thought that was how things should be. But then I realized that you were never putting me first. You were never choosing me over anyone else, let alone yourself. So I decided it was time for me to choose my own happiness over yours. It was about time for me to finally start loving myself more than I loved you and that is something I should never feel guilty for.
So, please, don’t hate me for moving on with my life. Instead, please, try to understand me. Try to understand that this was something I had to do if I wanted to save myself. Try to understand that this was the only option I had left.