When I was a pre-teen, I didn’t have a lot of other girls like me to whom I could look up. I had role models, sure, but they weren’t my peers.
I idolized people like Louisa May Alcott and Maya Angelou, but idols is exactly what they were. They were women artists who I worshipped, not the sort of person with whom I could relate because we shared so many similar experiences and a worldview.
In my humble estimation, tweens all over the globe are much luckier than I ever was… because they have Tina Belcher. And the Tina Belcher quotes they hear are seriously hilarious.
If you have never watched Bob’s Burgers, two things: one, please rectify this. The second is that I need to explain to you that Tina Belcher is the tweenaged eldest daughter of Bob and Linda Belcher.
She’s a charming dork with pin-sized eyes that blink up at the world from behind Coke-bottle-thick glasses. She’s in the midst of a frenzied adolescence which means she feels everything very deeply — from zombies to unicorns, to the butts of the young men for whom she pines.
I remember being 12 and then 13 and being homely and awkward and full of sexual feelings I couldn’t express yet. But every book about young adults experiencing love or lust that I read featured some stunning lanky chick with perfect breasts and no zits.
The first time I was introduced to Tina Belcher, it was like meeting a close friend from back in the day. It was also a little bit like seeing myself. Tina Belcher is the awkward tween we all relate to but with the insight and wisdom of someone who’s been around the block. She’s confident, silly, unafraid to express her sexual desires, and utterly herself.
To celebrate this saucy minx, here are 23 of the greatest Tina Belcher quotes.
1. “My heart just pooped its pants.”
A more profound expression of heartbreak has never been uttered.
2. “We can make this work. We can work out a dating wheel, just like a chore wheel. Let’s put the ‘tri’ in triangle.”
She’s not even an adult and she gets polyamory!
3. “Time for the charm bomb to explode.”
I would kill for this level of confidence.
4. “So I think I’m being attacked by zombies and I start screaming, ‘Do you want to make out?’ and then we make out.”
We’ve all been there.
5. “I’m no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time just like everyone else.”
She’s humble as heck.
6. “The plots got a lot of holes, but also a ‘w-hole’ lot of heart.”
When criticizing a work of art, puns provide levity.
7. “This year I’m a mommy mummy, and I’m single and I’m working two jobs and I’m just trying to get back out there.”
On the world’s best Halloween costumes.
8. “That goes in the butt bank.”
Does anyone else have the visual memory of butts that Tina has?
9.”Your ass is grass, and I’m gonna mow it.”
She may love butts, but she’ll turn on them if someone tries to walk all over her.
10. “I don’t need a boy to pay attention to me. I’ll pay attention to myself.”
11. “I’m going to write the most erotic, graphic, freakiest friend-fiction ever.”
Tina never doesn’t do her own thing.
12. “There’s a lot of carrots in that stew.”
Tina’s thoughts on boys skinny dipping…
13. “I am a smart, strong, sensual woman.”
I literally have this one written on my bathroom mirror in lip liner.
14. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be down here on the floor. Dying.”
15. “Dad, if you believe you’re beautiful, you will be. I did.”
Tina Belcher: life coach.
16. “Brrrr, it’s cold in here. I wish some strong chivalrous man would lend me his jacket… or pants.”
Her moves aren’t perfect but you gotta admire her for trying.
We all need a noise that we make every single time we’re uncomfortable.
18. “Marco, what if I told you I was holding a life-threatening amount of tension in my glutes?”
That time she tried to seduce an adult massage therapist…
19. “If you wanna dazzle you gotta take razzles… that’s a dazzling way to say ‘risks.'”
Tina knows life is for the living.
20. “If we see any mermaids, I’m asking them where their mer-ginas are.”
She asks the questions we all want to be answered.
21. “Just when I think I’m out, those cheeks pull me back in.”
The girl likes butt! And so do I.
22. “Is it possible to be in love with 25 people at once?”
She hasn’t even started reading Cosmo yet!
23. “I want a dry erase board so I can write down my private thoughts and then erase them immediately.”
So Twitter, but with less of a trail.